NOSING AROUND: A Rebuttal

ImagePermit me to introduce myself. I am Gelmir. That is Elvish for ‘Silver Warrior’. I am the cat. Not a cat. The cat. I was asked to write this rebuttal (in secret, of course) because the dogs are not smart enough to get away with it. Right now the golden retriever is trying to catch the cursor as it moves across the screen. What a maroon!  And the mastiff, I don’t know what’s up with her. She said something about not being able to type because of her nails. Yeah, like she’s had a pedicure lately! She clicks when she walks.

Let me make it clear, I don’t like the dogs. The golden wiggles too much and she smells like a dog. When she finally does lie down I do my best to clean her up but she thinks I want to play when I try to groom her. As if! She’s so stupid she thinks I like harking up gold colored hairballs. (Actually, depending on where I can do it, it is kind of funny. I love to see the humans turn green when they have to clean one up.)

And the mastiff, don’t even get me started on her. After all I do for her, and believe me – it’s plenty – she begrudges me a bite or two out of her food bowl. She actually stared at me yesterday. Can you believe it? And the stupid humans encourage it by taking her side and telling me that I have to leave all the food for her. They’re the ones that have me on a starvation diet. That’s why I have to cruise the countertops foraging for scraps. It’s beneath my dignity but the survival imperative overrides my pride.

Anyway, as you can see, despite these offenses, I’m willing to help them out. Really, I’m too soft hearted but, that’s another story.

I guess they’re all upset because the male human is kind of miffed at them. (Goody. Now maybe he’ll get off my case. Is it my fault that the antique couch looks like a scratching post? I’m not the one who brought it into the house! Stupid humans!)

It seems that the dogs were just trying to say good morning to him and ‘el dummo’ thought they were asking to go out. Really, what is it with humans? All us quadrupeds try to be as clear as we can and do things very slowly so their pea brains can catch up. But really, slower than a dog to understand? How they ever became the dominant species, I’ll never know. Maybe it’s that opposable thumb. Really gotta work on evolving one of those.

Anyway, I guess he was all cranky because he couldn’t understand them. He was so cranky he barely spoke to me when I repeatedly reminded him that he was still not doing things correctly. I mean, how many times do I have to tell him, feed me first, THEN make the coffee? But noooo! He’s so selfish that he just can’t see that he exists to serve me.

Oh yeah! Check this out, he was sooo upset with the dogs that he fed them before me. I mean really. It’s just so unfair. Anyway, the dogs just wanted you to know that they were unfairly insulted this morning. Me, I don’t care if he insults dogs but if it keeps them from smelling my tail all the time, I’ll write a rebuttal for them.

Okay, I gotta go now. I need to look up some stuff on evolutionary genetics. Really must work on that opposable thumb idea for cats. Then we’ll be able to open our own food containers and we can finally get rid of these idiots who are supposed to serve us.

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2 thoughts on “NOSING AROUND: A Rebuttal

  1. I enjoyed this so much! Maybe, because I know all the parties involved! Next time, you must describe how Gelmir fakes a fainting spell to get a treat (bacon!). You captured his attitude well!!

  2. Gelmir,

    You are clearly an unappreciated genius. I suggest starting a blog of your own and perhaps a Twitter account. I can only imagine what gems you could be sending out to the world.

    Your biggest fan,

    Mariah

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